Trying to hold on - The reason for this blog

http://youtu.be/k3c2jlD2aLQ
After ten years of loving someone beyond words, I was blindsided by divorce and I'm falling apart so quickly that I had to do something to hold on. So I'm spilling my tears onto this paper for all the people in the world who have experienced heartbreak so intense you find it hard to breath. I am going to write through the tears, write when it hurts, write when I can't hold it together anymore. I'll write when I want to scream and when I feel I can't go on anymore, I'm going to write some more. I know that despite this pain, I will overcome and I want everyone to know what it's like to hold on and live again.

At the moment I can't see my brand new start. I secretly question God. I don't understand how something so beautiful could suddenly fall apart. I can't piece together the pieces. I can't save him, without sacrificing me and I decided to choose me. I know your supposed to take care of yourself before you can help others, but the choice seems so wrong. I'm trying my hardest to make it through, but I see him in everything and each time he reappears, rather in person or in my mind it rips my heart apart all over again.

Every night when I lay down, it's hard to pray to God and thank him for my day, because I can't turn off my thoughts, and mind seems to be caving in and suffocating me. Yes I still thank God, but despite knowing that God holds me, I crumble from my weak heart and my faith wavers.

I'm dying inside and I'm desperately trying to save myself because I can't loose my love and loose myself. I have manged to make it through some days with a smile but every night when I lay down and the rest of the world fades away, I'm left with my thoughts and my dying heart. That's when I pray and cry for something to give. Either this pain that is so strong I can physically feel it in my chest leaves or I leave. Yes I get so low that unnerving thoughts flow through my mind. Although my desire to live is growing strong and my love for myself and for him still live. I find it hard to fight the demons in my mind, so today I decided to return to two art forms that saved me so many times before; writing and music.

So with a strong desire to live, I'm going to write. I'm going to write through the tears, write through the pain and write when I can't hold it together anymore. I'm going to write when I want to scream and when I'm loosing the battle. And when I feel I can't go on anymore, I'll write to hold on.