My Drug and My Pusher

I'm so confused. I know he loves me, I can see it in eyes but the moment I pull him in and give him all of my love, the more he pulls away. He makes it a point to hurt me deep after we've had a magical day. Why is he fighting it so hard? He makes me want to scream, curse and punch him. But he also makes me want to hold him, kiss him and love him.

It seems so simple to me, give into that love you feel and stop fighting it. So simple but you make it so complicated and hurtful and angry. I see your pattern, but I go right along with it. You go from one extreme to the other. But I'm so drawn to you I let it keep happening. Your like a drug, I know if I use you there is a strong possibility I'll get hurt, but the high you give me is worth the risk.

The back and forth is killing us both, but I'm addicted. One minute your in tears telling me how much you love me and you know this is where you want to be and the next minute your telling me you don't love me any more and you need to get away quickly. I can't keep doing this, you can't keep doing this, we can't keep doing this. Each time you love me then leave me you don't just tear me apart, you tear yourself apart as well.

I'll never forget new york. You spent a week away from me and the whole time you where away your texting friends about rather or not you should stay. I thought this would be the end for sure. I prepped for it, but when you returned you where a whole different person. The man I married got off that plane. We laughed and talked the whole way home. You held my hand and we fell right back in to place. When we got home, you couldn't keep your hands off me. The way you touched me the way you kissed me, the love you gave me, all of it was as if we never split. You gave all of you and you loved me like never before. You feel asleep holding me and then woke up and loved me some more then pulled me close and held me the entire night. I knew then that you made your choice and I woke up so in love and happy. But you woke up and checked back out of the relationship and I fell apart.

My need for you was getting stronger, and your need to hurt me grew as well. It wasn't enough for you not to be there mentally you had to not be there physically. You had to leave me stranded publicly because hurting me wasn't enough you had to humiliate me. I come home sometimes waiting to see if you would show up or not. I should have given up, but I had hope that the man that was with me the night before would show back up. He never fully showed up again, but I'd get glimpses of him over and over.

He kept coming back, but each time he appeared he'd disappear and a stranger would come straggling in at odd hours or the next day. But I held on because I needed that glimpse of someone I loved. You where my drug and my pusher and the addiction to you was slowly killing me.