Piercing Heart

My Drug and My Pusher

2011-07-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

I'm so confused. I know he loves me, I can see it in eyes but the moment I pull him in and give him all of my love, the more he pulls away. He makes it a point to hurt me deep after we've had a magical day. Why is he fighting it so hard? He makes me want to scream, curse and punch him. But he also makes me want to hold him, kiss him and love him.

It seems so simple to me, give into that love you feel and stop fighting it. So simple but you make it so complicated and hurtful and angry. I see your pattern, but I go right along with it. You go from one extreme to the other. But I'm so drawn to you I let it keep happening. Your like a drug, I know if I use you there is a strong possibility I'll get hurt, but the high you give me is worth the risk.

The back and forth is killing us both, but I'm addicted. One minute your in tears telling me how much you love me and you know this is where you want to be and the next minute your telling me you don't love me any more and you need to get away quickly. I can't keep doing this, you can't keep doing this, we can't keep doing this. Each time you love me then leave me you don't just tear me apart, you tear yourself apart as well.

I'll never forget new york. You spent a week away from me and the whole time you where away your texting friends about rather or not you should stay. I thought this would be the end for sure. I prepped for it, but when you returned you where a whole different person. The man I married got off that plane. We laughed and talked the whole way home. You held my hand and we fell right back in to place. When we got home, you couldn't keep your hands off me. The way you touched me the way you kissed me, the love you gave me, all of it was as if we never split. You gave all of you and you loved me like never before. You feel asleep holding me and then woke up and loved me some more then pulled me close and held me the entire night. I knew then that you made your choice and I woke up so in love and happy. But you woke up and checked back out of the relationship and I fell apart.

My need for you was getting stronger, and your need to hurt me grew as well. It wasn't enough for you not to be there mentally you had to not be there physically. You had to leave me stranded publicly because hurting me wasn't enough you had to humiliate me. I come home sometimes waiting to see if you would show up or not. I should have given up, but I had hope that the man that was with me the night before would show back up. He never fully showed up again, but I'd get glimpses of him over and over.

He kept coming back, but each time he appeared he'd disappear and a stranger would come straggling in at odd hours or the next day. But I held on because I needed that glimpse of someone I loved. You where my drug and my pusher and the addiction to you was slowly killing me.

Remaining clueless while he checks out.

2011-07-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

I think it started about a year ago, but only now am I able to look back and see the signs…
March 13, 2010, he was let go from his job of ten years with little explanation and nothing to fall back on. After keeping it from me for a week, he worked up the courage to tell me what really went down. We seemed to be working it out together. I thought it was just another obstacle for us to overcome. But looking back he was already defeated and I was just dragging him along for the ride.

Slowly he became more involved and even optimistic, and then he received another blow to his ego. His precious baby (his car) was crushed by a tree. To those that believe that it’s just an object and replaceable. Think about this: This was the first car he purchased himself. He took care of the car and put a lot of his time into the car for the past six years. In his mind, the car was the only one who knew all his secrets. To make matters worse, the insurance company only wanted to pay him enough to get a tire, and the city settled only slightly higher, so there was no way to replace his car.

Just after he received that second blow to his ego, I got the bright idea that in order to relieve the stress of the new financial strain, we should move into a cheaper place. However, we couldn't’t find one and we were still spending as if we had two incomes. When my mom mentioned moving in with her, I originally said no, but she slowly broke me down and I thought, it would be good to have no rent and use this time to catch up and get ahead financially. He never said a word, he just went along and I took it as acceptance and started making the move happen. But in hindsight, he probably thought he had no say in the matter, since he wasn’t bringing in any income.
I didn’t realize that I was moving into the middle of a civil war or that we were just a tool in my mother’s toolbox, to use against my father. Or that once we moved in my mother would physically move out but mentally she still ruled the house. My father would mentally move out but become a very present reminder of what failure might look like. So here we were in this very negative environment, with the only escape being a 13x13 room. I felt crowded and annoyed, I can't even imagine what he was feeling.

We were only supposed to be there for a month or so, but that quickly turned into six months. Suddenly my husband went from trying to support one with no means, to supporting three with no means. In the beginning he took it on with no complaints, but eventually it became so frustrating to even me. It was as if we were caring for a rebellious teenager and her daughter, whom we loved and cared for but had no say in her well being. It’s hard to raise a child but have no say. We were the primary care givers following an impossible set of rules that were an inconvenience to our lives.

Still out of work people started calling him for favors, paying him little or nothing for these favors. He became a chauffeur, his life revolving around others. He couldn't make his own schedule because he had take this person here and pick up that person, then go get this family something to eat and take this person to the doctor. He became a nobody pretty quickly, and started to resent to the people he loved the most.

In the mean time I remained too busy to see what was going on with my husband and became angered that he was always down, even when I did everything in my power to cheer him up. But maybe he needed something else. No obviously he did, because he started to pull away more and more and then the man that I married checked out of the relationship and his dark alias check in. But once I noticed it was already too late.

Trying to hold on - The reason for this blog

2011-07-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

http://youtu.be/k3c2jlD2aLQ
After ten years of loving someone beyond words, I was blindsided by divorce and I'm falling apart so quickly that I had to do something to hold on. So I'm spilling my tears onto this paper for all the people in the world who have experienced heartbreak so intense you find it hard to breath. I am going to write through the tears, write when it hurts, write when I can't hold it together anymore. I'll write when I want to scream and when I feel I can't go on anymore, I'm going to write some more. I know that despite this pain, I will overcome and I want everyone to know what it's like to hold on and live again.

At the moment I can't see my brand new start. I secretly question God. I don't understand how something so beautiful could suddenly fall apart. I can't piece together the pieces. I can't save him, without sacrificing me and I decided to choose me. I know your supposed to take care of yourself before you can help others, but the choice seems so wrong. I'm trying my hardest to make it through, but I see him in everything and each time he reappears, rather in person or in my mind it rips my heart apart all over again.

Every night when I lay down, it's hard to pray to God and thank him for my day, because I can't turn off my thoughts, and mind seems to be caving in and suffocating me. Yes I still thank God, but despite knowing that God holds me, I crumble from my weak heart and my faith wavers.

I'm dying inside and I'm desperately trying to save myself because I can't loose my love and loose myself. I have manged to make it through some days with a smile but every night when I lay down and the rest of the world fades away, I'm left with my thoughts and my dying heart. That's when I pray and cry for something to give. Either this pain that is so strong I can physically feel it in my chest leaves or I leave. Yes I get so low that unnerving thoughts flow through my mind. Although my desire to live is growing strong and my love for myself and for him still live. I find it hard to fight the demons in my mind, so today I decided to return to two art forms that saved me so many times before; writing and music.

So with a strong desire to live, I'm going to write. I'm going to write through the tears, write through the pain and write when I can't hold it together anymore. I'm going to write when I want to scream and when I'm loosing the battle. And when I feel I can't go on anymore, I'll write to hold on.